HOW DID I LOSE MYSELF?

At birth a world of discoveries opens up. Your attention and reactions are immediately required from the first vital breaths. In the delivery room, whoever doesn't cry, gets beaten. Life starts hard, the work of survival has already begun, now with the active participation of the new living being that has just arrived in the world.

Sounds, smells, touch, faces, temperatures, a whirlwind of sensations invades you, development gallops by leaps and bounds with the formation of thousands of neurological connections, and every day the baby becomes a big stage in the show of existence. There is little wonder for the new capacities that emerge daily. Everything is so beautiful, miraculous, exciting, and cute.

In early childhood, electronic toys, video games, TV's, tablets, cell phones, electric scooters, etc. literally make any child's eyes light up. Mental attractions like these are unfair competitors to the games of kite-flying, rope skipping, hide-and-seek, and tagging, games that demand more of the body's wisdom.

In preadolescence and puberty, hormonal claims erupt, (often stimulated early through adult content on the internet) drive an ardent search for love and sexual partnerships (despite religious, cultural and social efforts to curb them), once again one longs for something "out there." "I like him or her, I need someone to be happy..."

In early adulthood (for people who have already overcome the phase of self-affirmation in love), there is the beginning of demands regarding the choice of a profession, a stable relationship with children (marriage), accumulation of assets, and professional recognition. The marriage comes, children are born, professional positions are reached, and one continues to search for the next unmet need, often unnoticed, only feeling that something is missing.

Many have followed the standard social primer to the letter: they studied, married, got jobs, started a business, projected themselves publicly, "became somebody", and many times feelings of sadness, loneliness, anguish, and emptiness have not diminished, on the contrary. And now?

Relax, post modern medicine still has some cards up its sleeve, the pharmaceutical industry never refrains and offers you cheap magic pills (with blue prescriptions), promising that they will be able to take you out of this sentimental, mental, and existential limbo. Another industry is not far behind, offering countless varieties of alcoholic drinks that also promise forgetfulness of pain, fun, and some pleasure in living.

Religions, with a different approach, blame an external enemy who works hard to destroy humanity, and teach that paradise comes after death, at least for those who believe. We cannot forget the market of illicit substances that also sell the illusion of getting you out of this chaos where nothing else makes sense, at least while the artificial chemical effects last...

After trying several avoidance strategies and resolution of the pain and emptiness, the person may find that being with himself or herself is synonymous with being in very bad company (what a sad realization). So he or she avoids being alone in silence at any cost, this silence becomes too disturbing, so they need to be very busy, because after all "an empty mind is the Devil's workshop". For many, being inside can be a private, almost maddening experience.

Culturally, you have learned that you should not feel pain, discomfort, or unpleasant sensations. Negative thoughts and feelings were to be avoided, fought, or cast out like invading demons. Success is to be happy, or at least to appear so. After all, what went wrong with the cultural and social recipe for happiness that you were taught from early childhood?

You were not trained to feel pain. You were not taught to suffer, much less to lose. You were not trained to be in the here and now, the only place where life can happen. You have no idea how to be present to yourself. You keep looking for external solutions, and no matter how much you find some (temporary) relief, you keep pushing unwanted dirt and vermin into a secret compartment, a sort of psychic basement that looks more like a pressure cooker with no escape valve.

Does pain fulfill a mission? Yes, it wants to warn you and teach you something. It needs to be lived to deliver its message, otherwise it becomes suffering. And suffering that is not lived becomes an inconvenience. Who is willing to feel pain? Who is willing to make contact with the painful sensations and feelings that lurk inside?

Perhaps, the most important mistake in life was to neglect the importance of being in oneself, present, attentive, available to feel and witness the phenomena of the inner psychic life. They discriminate against meditation, which is nothing more than mental, emotional, and conscious attention training, and which has been scientifically proven to be useful for physical and mental health.

All pain and all pleasure are manifested in the now, only in the now. We can suffer for the future or dwell on things from the past, but everything happens in the present. It is impossible to suffer in yesterday or tomorrow, the suffering of the past or the future can only be experienced, I repeat, only in the here and now. And where are you? Busy and distracted from the here and now? Absent to yourself? Without your presence, impossible for you to fulfill basic needs of love, attention and fulfillment. You don't access the wisdom of life and distance yourself from the vital power. You become a super needy (even though you look strong and brave) bottomless pit of need.

The good news is that the house has its doors always open, yes it has been abandoned for a long time, maybe it will need a big cleaning because of the accumulated dust, it will demand persistence, but soon it will be ready to be inhabited as a safe haven of peace, wisdom and serenity. Coming home is a process, it doesn't happen overnight. Seeking qualified professionals can be helpful, especially those who don't promise to avoid pain, but rather strategies to better know how to face and deal with it.

Close your eyes right now, make contact with your breathing. It doesn't matter the time. Feel what you need to feel and accept what comes as part of the design of the life force.

Those who are willing, run the risk of finding an inner wisdom with unlimited creative resources for resolution of any painful situation, to those who persist will turn suffering into fuel for the expansion of consciousness. They will improve relationships. Too good to be true? Too subjective? Try it, trust, surrender, ask for help - at the beginning things may get a little sharper, but those who persist take the risk to discover a new inner world.

Eldemir Alencar is a clinical psychologist, specialist in Neurosciences Meditative Therapies Applied to Health. Post graduated in Naturology and Family Systemic Therapies. CRP13/10.401.